A Work in Progress

It has been quite a while since my last blog entry, hasn't it? (Okay, in reality, I guess it has been a little over a week...but still...) I suppose it has become increasingly difficult for me to even translate my experiences in Paris into words...or, moreover, to write enthralling blog entries about them.

With that said, I've decided that it might be wise for me to describe some of the lessons I've learned (or...in many cases, am still in the progress of learning) throughout my time in Paris. It has been a big adjustment for me, and I think the city has thrust a great deal of knowledge upon me in the weeks that I've been here. Let's see... Where shall we begin?

Lesson #1: Smile less than you think you should.

I am VERY bad at this particular lesson (although there has been gradual improvement, I think, since the beginning of my journey). Parisians (and...many Europeans, in general, as far as I know) simply do not smile as much as Americans do. If you're walking down the street or sitting on the metro and you happen to meet someone's gaze, you shouldn't smile. Trust me. It will only lead to a strange look or, depending on the recepient, an endless verbal assault of "J'ai faim! Donnez-moi de la monnaie! S'il vous plait!" Smiles should be reserved for people you know. In fact, the less happy you look as you walk down the street, the less likely it will be that deranged beggers will attack you. For this very reason, I've changed my day-to-day facial expression from "neutral" to "slightly perturbed" (i.e. I've finally taken the "I'M AMERICAN. COME BOTHER ME!" sign off my forehead). So, if I return to the United States and I seem a little upset at first,

it's probably just because I haven't readjusted to the whole smiling thing... Don't worry!

Lesson #2: On the metro, there are good days and bad days.

It's worth noting that I'm not referring to "bad metro days" in the general sense (meaning that there are certain days when the metro does not function properly...which is also true)...but in a very personal sense. YOU will have bad experiences on the metro, and, as a rule, they will tend to be all lumped together into one horrible day. And, if you sense that it is one of these BAD days, you should limit your metro usage that day as much as possible. Allow me to illustrate. Just last week, I foolishly overlooked that I was clearly having a BAD metro day. During each and every one of my transfers, I arrived on the platform JUST in time to see the metro pulling away. Next arrival? 12 minutes. Still, I persisted and persisted...and, eventually, I thought it might be wise to use the tram near my dorm. Well, as it was a BAD metro day, the tram was unbelievably crowded, and, just as the doors were starting to close, a man with an ENORMOUS pizza box leapt onboard. Rather unfortunately, he decided to press the pizza box up against my arm for the duration of the metro ride...and, even MORE unfortunately, said pizza box was coated in nightmarishly hot grease. Wonderful. My attempts to back away were thwarted by the terrible congestion on the tram, and, when I attempted to alert le gentil Monsieur to our little problem (with a variety of phrases, such as, "Pardon!" "Excusez-moi, s'il vous plait!"...which ACTUALLY meant, "Vous me brulez le bras, Monsieur!!!"), he failed to notice the problem...until I eventually stumbled out of the tram at the next stop and decided, wisely, to walk the rest of the way home. So, as I said before, be vigilant, mesdames et messieurs! If you start to notice a series of escalating problems on the metro, I would advise you to cut your losses and walk home.

Lesson #3: Be careful when dealing with tap water.

And this is not because DRINKING tap water is at all unsafe in France. No, no. It is because water out of any faucet that I have encountered comes in exactly four different temperatures: cool-ish (with the dial on the faucet set all the way to the right), HOT (halfway between the middle and the far right), SCALDING (exactly in the middle), and FLAMES (anywhere from the middle to the far left [and, yes, I realize that "FLAMES," even in all caps, is not an adjective]). Seriously, though. Sinks in France do not produce extremely cold water, nor are they capable of producing anything that even remotely resembles WARM water. There is exactly one setting on my faucet that will release water that is kind of cold (hence, "cool-ish"), and every other setting will result in the burning of my skin (ranging from first- to third-degree burns, depending on where I set the dial on the faucet). Quite honestly, if I turn the dial all the way to the left (FLAMES), the water is too hot to use for even coffee or tea. And, basically, anything past (and, sometimes, including) the HOT setting will be terribly unpleasant to touch. Aside from motorized scooters, sinks are probably the most dangerous inventions in France nowadays. You have been warned.

Lesson #4: When it comes to the weather, you can't win...but you CAN make a valiant attempt.

To say that the weather in Paris is unpredictable would be an understatement of VAST proportions. Thus far, I have checked the weather forecast online nearly every morning...and it has been correct only a handful of times. And, more importantly, the weather can change at an obscenely rapid pace, leaving you feeling incredibly unprepared. Another illustration, perhaps? Yes, I think so. Just the other day, the forecast predicted a high of 71 degrees with overcast skies. So, as I headed off to class that day, I wore a polo shirt, jeans, and a light jacket. Well, as it turned out, when the forecast said "71 degrees and cloudy," it ACTUALLY meant "90 degrees with NO clouds whatsoever." Lovely. After suffocating for most of the day out in the heat, I trudged back to my dorm and changed into shorts and a t-shirt. Moments later, once I was halfway across town, I watched in horror as the sky turned black, the wind swept away the previously oppressive heat, and the clouds poured forth an endless stream of rain. Foiled again... So, in short, prepare for every possible weather situation by carrying an umbrella...and about four different changes of clothing. :)

Lesson #5: If it looks like mud and smells like mud...it's probably some kind of excrement.

While touring around the City of Lights, you will undoubtedly want to gaze up at all of the remarkable buildings around you--as you should! But it also might not hurt to cast one or two glances earthward...in order to dodge the little clumps of animal droppings that so frequently pepper the sidewalk. Dogs are about as numerous as people in Paris (okay, SLIGHT exaggeration), and they go just about everywhere with their owners (just yesterday, an enormous German shepherd drooled on me for the entire RER ride from Châtelet-Les Halles to Cité Universitaire). Suffice to say, certain sidewalks can easily become...inundated...with "evidence" of the bountiful canine population in Paris. So, watch your step...

Well, that list of lessons hardly seems sufficient...and it also makes life in Paris seem a bit bleak (which, I assure you, it isn't). Unfortunately, I don't have time to amend or add to the list at the moment...but I imagine a more extensive list of Parisian lessons will be in order in the near future. So, for now, study hard with the list I've given you...and your next lesson will be arriving soon...!

A bientôt!