La Porte de l'Enfer

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting…

Although Edgar Allen Poe may have been describing the darkness at his “chamber door” in his poem, he also could easily have been describing the entrance to any of the countless metro stations in Paris…(not in reference to absolute darkness, per se, but the feeling of despair is pretty accurate).

Anyway, my travel blog of Paris simply wouldn’t be complete without SOME sort of survival guide for the metro system.

Basically, if you attempt to drive yourself anywhere in Paris, you will die a horrible death, so you’ll be relying pretty heavily on the system of public transportation if you visit the City of Lights. And, oh, what an exciting system it is!

Though I had felt fairly confident in my ability to employ most means of public transportation, I simply could not have prepared in any way for my experiences with the Paris metro and RER systems. Everyone, especially those who don’t have a death wish (see the above note about driving), uses the metro…and the whole system is governed by a different set of rules than those that exist on the surface streets. So, I’m dedicating this blog entry to a few helpful tips I’ve noted during my experiences.

• Say goodbye to any concept of “personal space” you might have had. At some point, regardless of what how often you frequent the metro, you will be squished. Mercilessly. There will be faces and hands and elbows pressed up against you from all sides, and you will be forced to endure this unique form of claustrophobia until you decide to dive toward the exit when your stop finally arrives. Recently, I was so firmly entrenched in a cluster of human bodies that I simply COULD NOT free myself when it was time to disembark. It was horrifying. Consider yourself warned!
• People usually will NOT move out of your way on their own accord as you attempt to enter/exit the metro. A simple “Pardon!” at least alerts them to the fact that you will be barreling through them, and, if you find yourself facing an insurmountable wall of human beings, a more forceful “Excusez-moi, s’il vous plait!” will usually do the trick—and, if you say it with the correct tone of voice, it can work wonders! If all else fails, you may have to resort to gently pushing people aside (accompanied by the aforementioned phrases, of course). Knocking people to the ground should only be used as a last resort. :)
• Only dive for doors if you are CERTAIN you will succeed. The metro doors are NOT the special “safety” kind of doors that will refrain from compacting you should you stand in the threshold while they are closing…so, when you hear the alarm sounding (an alarm that warns you that the doors are about to close), you should NOT still be running for the doors. Often, near the doors, there is a little warning sign showing a cartoon rabbit getting his hand pinched in the door. If the sign were entirely accurate (and…infinitely more grotesque, I suppose), it would show the rabbit being dragged alongside the speeding metro car with his whole arm trapped in between the metal doors. I have seen this happen (almost). A man once got his hand stuck in the door and had to begin running alongside the metro…until he finally freed himself…and was left behind, anyway. So, trust me. Avoiding a two-minute wait for the next metro car is NOT worth losing a limb.
• It pays off to verify that you are going in the right direction. This may seem like a pretty elementary guideline…but…sometimes, when you’re in a hurry, you may have accidentally boarded the metro on the wrong platform. Not that I know this from personal experience or anything…
• Be aware. When you do inevitably find yourself plastered in between foreigners, try to keep tabs on all of your belongings. Basically, if there is a hand in your pocket that ISN’T yours, you should be alarmed…and your wallet is probably now missing.
• Try to remain calm, even if things are looking dire. I was once riding the metro at night, and the train suddenly came grinding to a halt in the middle of the tunnel…and all of the lights went out. Much to my delight, this phenomenon lasted for upwards of five minutes. As much as I led myself to believe that we were doomed, I noticed that everyone else on the train had scarcely moved at all, and no one seemed even remotely concerned. Sure enough, a few moments later, the metro was given life anew, and we arrived at the station shortly thereafter. A good rule of thumb is to avoid panicking unless EVERYONE is panicking. :)
• Be prepared to climb/crawl your way through the station. Sometimes, no matter how careful you are, the turnstile (or automatic door) will malfunction at the entrance to the station, leaving you no other choice but to improvise (because your card will not allow you to rescan it immediately after your first attempt). So, if this happens, you will need to make a very important decision: should you climb over the turnstile or crawl under it? I’ve realized that both methods are equally embarrassing…but no one will really give it a second glance…because it happens to everyone now and then. Even if you are in full view of the RATP workers, you shouldn’t have any problems.
• Finally, by far, my most important tip: if there is a puddle of something on the floor, it’s PROBABLY due to the fact that something disgusting is dripping from the ceiling. Avoid it. Otherwise, you will be sorry. I guarantee it.

Well, I’m sure there are a number of other important things I could warn you about…and I could probably continue this list for another hour or so, but the best way to grow comfortable with the metro system is to simply USE the metro system. And, once you get used to it—despite my foreboding Poe quote at the beginning of this blog entry—it’s really not that bad. Soon, you’ll stop noticing the crazy, singing men roaming the stairwells and the pools of what can ONLY be blood coating the floor of the platforms. Soon, you will learn to ENJOY these things. (Alright, maybe that’s going a bit far…but you get the idea.)

Happy travels!